Workshop Blues

‘My days weep,

I think of you through my tears,

My blood red tears.’

Okay. You’ve definitely got the mood, but try not to be so gothic. Maybe leave out the blood red tears.

‘My days weep,

I think of you through my sorrow;

My lost rose’

Yeah, that’s a nice poignant note, "lost rose". Unfortunately there’s been a lot of roses over the years; can you say it without the rose. Say it as though you are describing your grief to me in person.

‘My grief is like a thorn;

It makes me cry for you,

My lost flower.’

I'd say leave out flowers altogether. Express your sadness as though we’re having a conversation across a table.

'How can I go on,

my grief cuts me like a blade

for the loss of my own darling Chrissy'

Now we're getting there, but try to be less overtly poetic. 

‘I’m very down

Since Chrissy left.

And I don't need a fucking workhop to say that.'